Adult life :p

I realized that there are a lot of things that I don't say on here because there could be people reading this that could be concerned, or there could be uncomfortable questions asked. I have decided that there is no point in having a blog if I can't even be honest on the most impersonal thing around: the internet. I am not doing this for attention, I just think that it would be a relief to put this out there and get it off of my chest. Like a public diary. On to the crux of the matter...

The more I think about it, the more I realize how much fun I had back in college, and how NOT fun my life now is. I was a lot happier with myself back in school, and now I am so down about myself I can't believe it. I'm second-guessing myself, trying to justify most of my actions, attempt to make jokes about it but it;s actually because I am worried about it. Abby at work gets mad at me because I get down on myself but - I can't help it. I try adjusting my behavior(s), and yet nothing changes. I tell myself that it's due to certain situations in my life that make things more difficult but when it all boils down: I have no excuse. I am just going to have to start evaluating my actions and behaviors and decide what I want more: happiness in the short term, or in the long term. All I know is that if I continue in this vein for much longer I will be an extremely unpleasant person to be around. Don't get me wrong, I can put on a pretty good front when I want, but... I am not a happy person, and I have no one to blame but myself. I try making jokes about it all, but it's just a facade. I just don't feel like I am successful at anything in my life. I had such big hopes and dreams for myself in college, and (not) shockingly enough, so many things have gone differently than I had imagined in my naivety. Not all bad, mind you (but some of it, yes) just different. I guess what they say about the best-laid plans is true in my case. And yes, most likely in most cases as well, but for once couldn't I be an exception? I struggled so hard through school (when most people were screwing off, partying and drinking and sleeping their college careers away) but I thought that it'd get a liiiiiitle bit easier. I know, pity party for one. I apologize if this is just one big pity party, and you're all probably thinking 'Want some cheese with that whine?' but... I figured I'd tell you all what I am thinking and whatnot so that if you are wondering why I am not the bubbly person that I was in college you all would know...