I just wish I could turn back the pages to my childhood when I had it so good (even though I didn't think I had). Innocence is something that you can never regain once lost. Is growing up and becoming an adult and being able to think for yourself and taking responsibility for your actions compensation enough? Sometimes I almost don't think so. I like being able to think for myself but I overdo it. Everything is overanalyzed. Think about all of the days you had as a child where you could just go play and do whatever it is that you wanted. And how often you play-acted at being an adult. It's amazing to me. When kids we can't wait to grow up and once we are some of us wish we could go back to childhood and all of those carefree days. One of my favorite memories is swinging on our swingset in the shade of our trees. The grass hadn't been mowed for a while so the grass was a thick, green, luxurious carpet; almost black in the shade. The day was a warm one, one of the last ones in August. But the shade of those trees and the coolness of the grass were the perfect balance to the blazing sun and the singing of the cicadas. The breeze that was blowing smelled so fresh. I can still hear the rustle of the leaves on the trees.
Unfortunately, right now my life is nothing but stress, frustration and disappointment. There are good moments, yes. But they are much fewer than the bad. Thank God I have Shaun to help me through some of this! Even though I know that he is going through the same thing. He's convinced that he's going to have to be the 'provider'. An old-fashioned idea, yes, but one now that I am having to make a life for myself is more attractive than I used to think as an idealistic high schooler and college student. As frustrated as I get that women, even in this enlightened day and age, are still making less doing the same job as men. And then ironically, all I wish for sometimes is the 'protector and provider'. What a bad feminist I would make. And striking out on my own and carving a niche for myself in this world is something that scares me you-know-what-less. It has been four months since my graduation from College and the only job that I have been able to get is working for a pittance at Target, doing what I consider to be slave labor. It just seems to be a confirmation of my worthlessness. I'm mediocre at my 'profession'. I wish that I had one thing that I knew/did well enough I could make a living off of. And I also know that I'm not doing as good of a job search as I should be because I am scared of not hearing anything and just re-confirming my beliefs about myself. Only one interview after all of the resumes that I have put out? Shocking. Disturbing. I know that everyone who saw my Senior Project stuff said that if I hadn't pointed it out they wouldn't have known the difference between mine and my classmate's work. It means a lot to me, but the really telling thing is that no one who knows design and does design had ever said anything about mine being equal or better than that of anyone else's. Maybe everyone else is just as insecure in their work as I am. It's entirely possible. The program definitely isn't set up to encourage satisfaction. It is pounded into you your entire time there that you have the rest of the design world to compete with. But I see some designs and wonder how some people got hired because I could do a better job than that. There is a need even for mediocre designers for companies that don't need anything other than functional. But it does sound like a job you would get burned out on quickly.
I have been debating for a long time whether I should post something like this because I was worried that my friends and family that read this would say that I was just enjoying feeling bad for myself. Trust me, I'd prefer not to. But then I decided that I started this blog to lay out my feelings honestly for a positive outlet and not worry about what people thought of me. So, here it is. Honest and unpolished. Take it as you will. Hopefully it will be with some empathy and good advice. :)
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3 comments:
Dana, I don't think that you're "enjoying feeling bad about yourself." I think you're being honest with yourself (and with us) about how you're feeling. There's nothing more refreshing and motivating than that. You're allowed to feel frustrated and sad, just as long as you don't dwell in the negativity and remember to move on.
That said, I still really don't think you should be so hard on yourself. Don't think that you are mediocre in anything you do. Design seems to me like a tough field to get into and all you really need is one good break and you'll be set in your career. You're only 4 months out of college, that's not long compared to some job searches! Just keep being persistent, determined, and focused. It might not all fall into place at once, but without any doubt, it will eventually fall into place.
Hope that helps! :)
It does, Jean. Thank you! :D I need a voice of sanity!
I also encourage you to look at the positive in your situation. Let's say you HAD found and accepted a job 'just because' and sometime very soon you were to find the absolute PERFECT job for you...you might have passed it up just to stay at the one you found first. I think everything happens for a reason and I think that you are very talented. With something like design, everyone is looking for something a little different and maybe the things that only you are capable of doing are the things that someone out there is looking for. You're going to be great! :)
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