Robert Miles

I decided to look him up on myspace tonight... and just listening to the music had caused tears to well up and slowly fall down my cheek...

I bought that CD either just before Shaun and I started dating or right after. We would listen to it as we went to sleep on the futon in my room. It just brings back all the memories and feelings of that time - excitement, giddiness, uncertainty, happiness, contentment, love, attraction... feeling like my flesh and bones are going to burst through my skin, because it couldn't contain how happy I was. I can just see my dorm room softly lighted with the christmas lights I had (dorm room staple!)... and having this warm caring person next to me. Knowing that for right now, everything will be all right. This person cares and wants to be with me.

Things have changed somewhat, that initial excitement isn't there any more. We now know each other so well - there are only a few things left undiscovered. We love each other for sure now, but it's definitely harder than it was at first, when we were trying so hard to please each other. When we were trying to impress so much. When we were hiding the bad things about ourselves. But that's what marriage is, isn't it? Work - because it isn't the way that movies portray life. Romantic life. But it's alright that it's work - we love each other and that's why we're willing to work at it. Life isn't like a movie.

And it further amazes me that music can do this - crystallize feelings and memories so well that listening to the music makes you feel like you are experiencing it all over again. It reminds me of an insect trapped in amber... It's not like it was, but you can still see it and feel it. Poignancy only somewhat diminished - and perhaps even softened in memory -possibly making it better than it actually was, because now you know how much it actually meant to you. It makes me wonder how I will feel if I happen to listen to music that I haven't listened to in years, what memories it will conjure up - good, bad, happy, sad, destructive, healing...? I suppose only time will tell.

I guess that the slight melancholia that Mr. Robert Miles has caused to rise up in me is all for the good - it was a reminder of why I am marrying this man that is now in our bedroom, asleep, and probably snoring. Because he loves me and wants only good things for me. He wants to keep me safe and happy. He wants to see what our children will look like - what he and I look like mixed together. And I want to do all of the same things for him. And upon reflection, that for him and I, that is what love is.