Saturday, May 26
Despondency Reigns
Turns out that because I am temporarily employed, we cannot get a mortgage for a house (we were going to get a little extra to pay off credit cards {and not run them up again} and pay off my car because the interest on a mortgage is a lot less than a credit card) so that we'd have breathing room for monthly bills that go along with a house. But basically, it's pointless. I have a job that I really don't think that I am going to enjoy (even though I really like the people I work with and the corporate culture - I get to wear jeans to work!) that is probably ending in 3-6 months, with no guarantee that I will have a job in the end. There is nearly literally nothing in my life that I am pleased about. My weight is depressing me, and I cannot seem to gather the willpower to do anything that's hard about it, and I don't have the dinero to do anything that costs money (gym, personal trainer/motivator, weight watchers, etc.). My personal life could be better. But like my mom says, I shouldn't feel like I owe anything to anyone, and that I am responsible for making me happy. I just think about the odds stacked up against me/us and it just seems impossible. Why can't we just win a million dollars? I realize money isn't the answer to everything, but it sure would take care of a few problems and let me concentrate on the ones it doesn't fix. So for now I just sit and think, think and sit, and become despondent. And as I do that. the hole gets deeper and deeper....
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If you'd ever like to talk, you know I am here. I can relate, in my own way, to how you feel. There have been times for me that I just want to cry and not even try anymore. I'll have this fatalist perspective on things and just feel like I am always meant to be let down, disappointed and challenged with the most difficult people. I read in a book recently (and this is not verbatim) about a person who was not happy about their troubles in life. It was something like, when you feel like you're going through a really hard time and you look at others in envy because they seem to have things perfect in their life, remember that to them, they are dealing with something just as heavy as you are, in their own experiences. Okay, I know it wasn't written like that, but that was the idea I took away from it. I guess, as much as I cringe saying this (because I tend to roll my eyes when I hear this), that it's all about thinking positively. Even when you feel you are at a low point, think of what is going well, as opposed to what is not.
My weight has been a constant challenge for me as well. My family members are all very thin and have been blessed with a fast metabolism. It's hard being the biggest one in my family, but I've accepted it. I guess the thing that worked for me finally was admitting to myself that this is who I am RIGHT NOW. I had to stop looking in the mirror and wishing I could be thinner. The truth is, I can. And I will when I am ready. I think you and I share in the fact that our weight gain has more to do with our emotional well-being, rather that our physical health. It's all about acceptance of who you are at this moment in your life, not constantly thinking "I will be happy when..." because that is the most damaging thing you can do to yourself. Believe me, I work in a place where there are size 0's running around in front of me all day long. It took a lot to get past my insecurities at first, but then I just realized how much more I am than just what I look like. I hope you realize just how many wonderful qualities you have, friend. There is so much about you as a person that I value and I know that I am fortunate to have you in my life. If others can not see you in that way, in your other relationships, it is truly their loss. If you can't find a way to really be happy, I guess, fake it. Maybe eventually, it will happen naturally? LY!
Smile!
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