So, today I realized that I am a food-a-holic. Completely addicted to food. Can't live without it. Well, duh, I can't live with out it, but I can't live with it, either. Can't keep it to normal portion sizes. I had a bowl of honey nut cheerios and then sat and thought about how effing depressing it all is (food stuff, where I'm at in my life, etc.) and started crying. At least it wasn't bawling. So what do I do to feel better? Eat two chocolate pudding snack packs. Which, of course, only makes me feel worse. Emotional eating has always been my downfall. Now I am going to ask the cliche question: Why, God, why?!?! As bad of a person as this makes me (please forgive me), I look at ugly skinny people and wonder why the skinniness was 'wasted' on them. Why couldn't it have been me being skinny? Why couldn't I be like my mom, dad or brother? But no. That isn't what God has planned for me. Maybe this is supposed to make me tougher but all it has done is make my life hell. My nurse practitioner that I see for girly stuff told me that her sister is the same way and she has finally come to realize that being big is 'just her' and she has learned to love and live with herself, and that I should learn to do that. Shey says I'm healthy in every other way but my weight, so I don't really have any reasons to lose weight. But I can't learn to love myself like this. I am sooo not happy like this! And it only gets worse. I know what the healthy things to lose weight are, but it's so daunting! And it seems like you don't get anywhere. I hate having to make self-deprecating remarks about myself. I hate having little boys at Wal-Mart point at me and tell their brother 'that girl's fat'. I hate myself. No wonder I can't do anything with my life. The negative feelings I have for myself must manifest in some way. But I must do this like any other person must. The hard way. I almost wish I could get my stomach stapled. Almost.
Sorry for the pity party for one. I didn't decide to do this for sympathy, I just needed to get it out there and feel like maybe someone would read it.
On a 'brighter' note, Target called me back today. I have my orientation at 8:30 Monday morning. I'm thinking about going home and seeing my mom. I'm dying here. But I can't really afford it.
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A leisurely-paced blog about my life.
2 comments:
Dana, I wish I knew something encouraging to say. Your post made me so sad and reminded me of the way I feel about myself sometimes. I just want you to know that I think you're a fantastic person and a great friend and that you're not alone. I don't know if that helps, but it's true. :)
Dana!!
I think you should do whatever is going to make you happy. I don't think you should follow what the nurse practitioner said, because I know you won't be happy. It seems like the issues that you deal with in your life all stem from the weight/self-confidence thing. What I would tell Mark before is that you have to accept that you are the weight you are RIGHT NOW because you can't be that thin person immediately, but you can say 'This is how I am right now but I have a goal to make myself a healthier person'. I think if your mindset doesn't change, even WHEN you lose weight, you won't be able to see yourself as the thinner person. You are a beautiful person and I know when the time is right for you, it will all click and you will just know what you have to do to make yourself happy. :)
Good luck with your job, too!
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